Everything we do, all we say, all we think and fear can't be just for our self-satisfaction and solitary existence. Everyone has definitely had the thought 'oh, does he/she/they like me?' cross their minds. And more often than not, they fear rejection. And in the first place, why are they rejected? Because those who rejct them fear rejection by their other peers who will reject them should they not reject the aforementioned party, and those peers do indeed make it a solid point to reject the 'victim'(shall we call him that?) because they feel that if they do not behave so, they will be rejected as well. We all live in a cruel circle of rejection, of prejudice and of society's norms. And yet we try to keep up with this mad ride by conforming and adding on to this cruelty. Isn't it plainly ironic? We say we must 'fit in' yet we're simply making 'fitting in' harder.

Yes, even for me: Fearless and sharp-tongued, direct and crude I seem to others. They'd go, 'oh, you're being a little rude' or 'you're too direct!' and I laugh it off, but in my heart I'm thinking, 'It's over. They're not going to like me. They HATE me.' I don't know why but every single time I walk into the gates of school, I keep telling myself to stop trying, to stop conforming and stop being so...desperate, in layman terms? And many times I've acted like myself and simply not cared about how anyone saw me and I simply got paranoid. If someone I was talking to suddenly talked to someone else, I would freeze and think: am I not good enough? Are they better? And I HATE this part of me, I do. 

I'm simply being a hypocrite now, delving into such topics when I have no right to do so. I admit I'm only human, only another person who wants and needs friends. I'm less confident than most, though I may seem to put on a strong facade. I've had times when the world crashed on me and couldn't muster enough courage to confide in anyone. In fact, I'll suddenly sink into random thought and depress myself and then start crying and then start feeling that the world is a bright place. I don't understand myself.

But yes, I know this state of mind won't stay for long and soon my facade will be up again, covering all the lies. Or maybe I'll be truly happy? I'm not depressed now. I just... felt like posting here whatever I'd never say in real life just because either nobody would understand me or it's be just hard to say. I really don't even know what I'm posting this for or why and I'll tell you: I'm actually very scared that people will read it and think I'm a fake emo who wants pity.

Don't you think I'm stupidly paranoid?

07:19