Anyway, this is close to just declaring closure of my entire ruddy blog. I know I post very insufficiently but ANYWAY(my vocabulary is too limited to think of a more apt connector), I really need to get something off my chest. 

AAH BOOKINGS AAAAH WHY AM I SUCH A NOTICEABLE IDIOT?!? AAAH SCOLDINGS HOMEWORK WHATEVER RUBBISH LAHHHHH!

Okay, done. ^^ And about the last post, don't let it worry you too much. It's all part of my daily thoughts, my perplexed pondering. (yay alliteration) So, yeah. I think too much according to my mom, but I know I can't possibly blab it all out in real life in case someone calls the mental hospital, so why not rant online? Well, it's not flaming or anything right? In any case, I wasn't emo-ing and in case I do decide to rant about my apparent displeasure and angst at life, I'll plainly state so. Like 'this is an emo post' and all. Yes. I will. :D

So, back to chionging chinese zuowen and sihan at unearthly hours(1.38am!) because I fell asleep at 5pm. How idiotic, I know. And a certain person has just made clear to me how little EQ I really have and how my statements, which I may consider frank, tend to offend just about anyone in my vicinity. I'm really sorry to all whom I've hurt in any way and I swear I'll try to change. Thank you SO much to the honest person who's not bothered to hide their feelings from the world. You're probably the only one who knows how much I wish all those people I know secretly hate me would just say it in my face instead of trying to like me, and that I have a phobia of fake people. So here ends my post, and WHY AM I BEING SO FORMAL TODAY? 

Must use lots more Singlish lah. Yah lor, okay lor, good-bye lor.

10:31

Everything we do, all we say, all we think and fear can't be just for our self-satisfaction and solitary existence. Everyone has definitely had the thought 'oh, does he/she/they like me?' cross their minds. And more often than not, they fear rejection. And in the first place, why are they rejected? Because those who rejct them fear rejection by their other peers who will reject them should they not reject the aforementioned party, and those peers do indeed make it a solid point to reject the 'victim'(shall we call him that?) because they feel that if they do not behave so, they will be rejected as well. We all live in a cruel circle of rejection, of prejudice and of society's norms. And yet we try to keep up with this mad ride by conforming and adding on to this cruelty. Isn't it plainly ironic? We say we must 'fit in' yet we're simply making 'fitting in' harder.

Yes, even for me: Fearless and sharp-tongued, direct and crude I seem to others. They'd go, 'oh, you're being a little rude' or 'you're too direct!' and I laugh it off, but in my heart I'm thinking, 'It's over. They're not going to like me. They HATE me.' I don't know why but every single time I walk into the gates of school, I keep telling myself to stop trying, to stop conforming and stop being so...desperate, in layman terms? And many times I've acted like myself and simply not cared about how anyone saw me and I simply got paranoid. If someone I was talking to suddenly talked to someone else, I would freeze and think: am I not good enough? Are they better? And I HATE this part of me, I do. 

I'm simply being a hypocrite now, delving into such topics when I have no right to do so. I admit I'm only human, only another person who wants and needs friends. I'm less confident than most, though I may seem to put on a strong facade. I've had times when the world crashed on me and couldn't muster enough courage to confide in anyone. In fact, I'll suddenly sink into random thought and depress myself and then start crying and then start feeling that the world is a bright place. I don't understand myself.

But yes, I know this state of mind won't stay for long and soon my facade will be up again, covering all the lies. Or maybe I'll be truly happy? I'm not depressed now. I just... felt like posting here whatever I'd never say in real life just because either nobody would understand me or it's be just hard to say. I really don't even know what I'm posting this for or why and I'll tell you: I'm actually very scared that people will read it and think I'm a fake emo who wants pity.

Don't you think I'm stupidly paranoid?

07:19

Anyway, I HAVE to rant. I just MUST. How would you feel if you couldn't even shout 'get lost' in your biggest enemy's face? And how would you feel if that person, for some reason, has the power to turn your family against you and ruin your life? I hate you. ihateyouihateyouihateyou. Get lost, go away, stop spreading lies and trying to split my family up. They all think I'm a rebel now because of you. My life is half-ruined because of you. It's all your fault you sickening creature, you patch of dirt that cannot be cleaned off the toilet bowl, you grain of black sand on a cloud! See, I didn't swear at you. So there.

OKAY. RANT FINISHED. I promise you, dear readers, the aforementioned party is NOT you. They are in our midst, yet they would not bother visiting such trivial places such as these. And no, I am not beaten. I SHALL NOT YIELD TO YOU. So there, that settles it. Good-bye and good riddance.

BACK TO HYPERNESS. YAY SA IS OVER LIKE I HAVEN'T SAID THAT ALREADY! :D ED outing was super awesome. Sabby is a spoiled, rich girl... tsk tsk. Okay lah, but a NICE girl. I mean, the house was so awesome! And Snowy, the white maltese(right?) was just so... *makes puppy face* You know. And Much Ado About Nothing(Shakespeare in the Park!) was really interesting, except that I lost it there a little at the start. But everything started to make sense soon. And no offence to Adrian Pang, but your accent always sounds the same... No offence taken, 'Lord Benedick'? BENEDICK. OMG. I AM THINKING SICK. Okay, sorry... Back to the point. You should have seen Adrian Pang jump into the pool with a striped full-body swimsuit and luminous goggles. Hilarious. And at the end, SURPRISE! EVERYONE TURNED INTO LINDY-HOP DANCERS! o.O Yes, as in like those two funky people who started doing some weird dance on stage last Assembly performance(before the funny Mrs Hoo one). Heehee, how inappropriate for a Shakespeare play, but after all they had Peranakan people and Chinese mamas and friars at a wedding among Chinese lanterns so why not throw in an old-school dance? Brilliant, people.

And here I leave you with my evening rant. Good-morrow, friends. (picked up from somewhere in the play, they say that in greeting instead of 'good morning')

04:01